GOD DAMN BULLSH*T TRACKS!!!!

Do you have any albums which just make you bury your head in your hands and wonder why the hell they stuck it on there? I'm not talking about songs which are just bad like Pretty fly (for a white guy) but tracks which are just noise or don't really sound like a song. Tracks that just boggle the brain as to why they were included in the album and are just an annoying distraction to the rest of the album. Alot of these bullsh*t tracks are usually about 30 seconds long and consist of incoherent noises or voice clips scatalogically arranged by some numbty who just can't be bosched. They leave me bemused as to how and why they are in the album. Theres usually several people who would have to approve songs for albums so to see these stupid tracks slip through the net just makes me wonder how they got through.

Good friends and a bottle of pills starts off with some soporific bass playing while Phil Anselmo is having a bout of Tourettes. For 30 secs he's just making "nya.... hmmp... ulah!" noises! After the spaz out he starts with the first ( barely ) inteligable lyrics I fucked your girlfriend last night CLICK! is the sound you hear when I'm listening to this because I ALWAYS press the next button. After he's done some more lyrics sounding like hes got some JD vomit gurgling at the back of his throat he starts doing some inhuman random unitelligable catewailing... probably cause after what I have heard so far of the track I ran over and grabbed him by the testicles and started squeezing them till they popped Brock Samson style (see vid below 30 seconds in :)...



"STUPID NOISES?! I'll make you make stupid noises!" squeeze NYAGGHH WHATTISSSAAADOOBBLEEYAAAAWAAAWAWW! and he wouldn't have to worry about lumps after I've finished that's for certain.

Well Machine Head usually write proper songs most of the time but they had a bit of a "brain toast" on their first album Burn my eyes with Real eyes , realize, real lies. It starts off with a guitar riff that just sounds like Jaws and then quickly starts with random massively overly distorted voice clips ( I ain't got a clue what most of them say so don't ask me!). It does this for 1:50 minutes! before Rob Flynn shouts Why? Real eyes, realize, real lies, lies! and then quickly just fades out with a couple more uninteligable voice clips. Once it's over I just can't get the thought out of my head So they all sat around listening to this and thought yeah lets put it in the album. great idea, amazing.. Not one of them just turned around and said WTF are you all thinking ???? See those flappy things on the side of your head, USE 'EM!

One track that seems to fit the mold perfectly is Lucifer in love by Edguy from the Hellfire club album. It's 30 seconds long and just POINTLESS. Basically consists of the little piano intro from Down to the devil, which was earlier in the album, slowed down so that it stretches to 30 seconds. Then a dodgy voice over which just sounds like some bloke doing orgasmic noises slowed down. Did they just nick that bit in that Guns n' Roses song Welcome to the jungle which sounds like Axl Rose having a wank while Slash is having a fret wank (you know, about 1:40 mins into Welcome to the jungle Axl Rose starts making orgasmic uh.. uhh... ughhh.... ahhh... mwaahhhh... noises. ). Maybe it's actually the devil himself busy making love to the band as they discuss the future direction of the band just like Bill Hicks mentioned with marketeers. Edguy were there in the recording studio talking about the next album Ahh nearly finished this album... say how are we gonna get more sales in the future? Well lets see... we're an epic metal band with so-so popularity... I know we'll change our musical direction. Lets get rid of the epic.... and the metal. Hmm.... get rid of the bits which are good about us... lets do it!. While this conversation was going Satan was busy getting freaky with them all. Little realising the microphone was still on and recording. After Hellfire club Edguy released the god awful Rocket Ride which, as is mentioned above, has no epic... or metal anywhere in sight. It's just some cliché turgid hard rock that I listened to about twice... then gave in to Vinyl Exchange in Manchester.

So in the end these bands might as well jack off and shout IM A GENIUS, IMMM A FOOOKEEEN GENNNNIUSSS!! and record that because it'll be less embarassing and torturous to listen to. As mentioned in the previous post Perfectly skippable songs being able to just leave these pointless tracks off a playlist is a god damn relief cause if I accidently get an ear shot of Good friends and a bottle of pills... hmmm I was gonna mention murder but... FFS WTF DID THAT F*CKWIT HAVE TO KILL DIMEDAG DARREL!!!!!!!!!!! I don't dare mention anything at all when Pantera's involved now cause i'll get some tit moaning that it's in bad taste. I remember watching "Mock the Week" with Dara o'Briain talking about Englands defeat in the cricket and saying that This is the worst defeat since 1916 but back then they had an excuse... they all died in the Somme. Then the audience sighs the "disgraceful" sigh and Dara just pipes up Oh come on!!??? Too soon?. See that's the sort of thing you get nowadays. If I put a disclaimer in plain view before warning of tasteless material I'll still get a bunch of whingy gits COMPLETELY IGNORING IT and moaning anyway.... errr I'm turning into one of them so I'll shut up now. Hmm thats a point Bill Hicks... DEAD... Barry Manilow.. STILL ALIVE! oooo Bill wouldn't have liked that :) Cya next time.