GOD DAMN BULLSH*T TRACKS!!!!

Do you have any albums which just make you bury your head in your hands and wonder why the hell they stuck it on there? I'm not talking about songs which are just bad like Pretty fly (for a white guy) but tracks which are just noise or don't really sound like a song. Tracks that just boggle the brain as to why they were included in the album and are just an annoying distraction to the rest of the album. Alot of these bullsh*t tracks are usually about 30 seconds long and consist of incoherent noises or voice clips scatalogically arranged by some numbty who just can't be bosched. They leave me bemused as to how and why they are in the album. Theres usually several people who would have to approve songs for albums so to see these stupid tracks slip through the net just makes me wonder how they got through.

Good friends and a bottle of pills starts off with some soporific bass playing while Phil Anselmo is having a bout of Tourettes. For 30 secs he's just making "nya.... hmmp... ulah!" noises! After the spaz out he starts with the first ( barely ) inteligable lyrics I fucked your girlfriend last night CLICK! is the sound you hear when I'm listening to this because I ALWAYS press the next button. After he's done some more lyrics sounding like hes got some JD vomit gurgling at the back of his throat he starts doing some inhuman random unitelligable catewailing... probably cause after what I have heard so far of the track I ran over and grabbed him by the testicles and started squeezing them till they popped Brock Samson style (see vid below 30 seconds in :)...



"STUPID NOISES?! I'll make you make stupid noises!" squeeze NYAGGHH WHATTISSSAAADOOBBLEEYAAAAWAAAWAWW! and he wouldn't have to worry about lumps after I've finished that's for certain.

Well Machine Head usually write proper songs most of the time but they had a bit of a "brain toast" on their first album Burn my eyes with Real eyes , realize, real lies. It starts off with a guitar riff that just sounds like Jaws and then quickly starts with random massively overly distorted voice clips ( I ain't got a clue what most of them say so don't ask me!). It does this for 1:50 minutes! before Rob Flynn shouts Why? Real eyes, realize, real lies, lies! and then quickly just fades out with a couple more uninteligable voice clips. Once it's over I just can't get the thought out of my head So they all sat around listening to this and thought yeah lets put it in the album. great idea, amazing.. Not one of them just turned around and said WTF are you all thinking ???? See those flappy things on the side of your head, USE 'EM!

One track that seems to fit the mold perfectly is Lucifer in love by Edguy from the Hellfire club album. It's 30 seconds long and just POINTLESS. Basically consists of the little piano intro from Down to the devil, which was earlier in the album, slowed down so that it stretches to 30 seconds. Then a dodgy voice over which just sounds like some bloke doing orgasmic noises slowed down. Did they just nick that bit in that Guns n' Roses song Welcome to the jungle which sounds like Axl Rose having a wank while Slash is having a fret wank (you know, about 1:40 mins into Welcome to the jungle Axl Rose starts making orgasmic uh.. uhh... ughhh.... ahhh... mwaahhhh... noises. ). Maybe it's actually the devil himself busy making love to the band as they discuss the future direction of the band just like Bill Hicks mentioned with marketeers. Edguy were there in the recording studio talking about the next album Ahh nearly finished this album... say how are we gonna get more sales in the future? Well lets see... we're an epic metal band with so-so popularity... I know we'll change our musical direction. Lets get rid of the epic.... and the metal. Hmm.... get rid of the bits which are good about us... lets do it!. While this conversation was going Satan was busy getting freaky with them all. Little realising the microphone was still on and recording. After Hellfire club Edguy released the god awful Rocket Ride which, as is mentioned above, has no epic... or metal anywhere in sight. It's just some cliché turgid hard rock that I listened to about twice... then gave in to Vinyl Exchange in Manchester.

So in the end these bands might as well jack off and shout IM A GENIUS, IMMM A FOOOKEEEN GENNNNIUSSS!! and record that because it'll be less embarassing and torturous to listen to. As mentioned in the previous post Perfectly skippable songs being able to just leave these pointless tracks off a playlist is a god damn relief cause if I accidently get an ear shot of Good friends and a bottle of pills... hmmm I was gonna mention murder but... FFS WTF DID THAT F*CKWIT HAVE TO KILL DIMEDAG DARREL!!!!!!!!!!! I don't dare mention anything at all when Pantera's involved now cause i'll get some tit moaning that it's in bad taste. I remember watching "Mock the Week" with Dara o'Briain talking about Englands defeat in the cricket and saying that This is the worst defeat since 1916 but back then they had an excuse... they all died in the Somme. Then the audience sighs the "disgraceful" sigh and Dara just pipes up Oh come on!!??? Too soon?. See that's the sort of thing you get nowadays. If I put a disclaimer in plain view before warning of tasteless material I'll still get a bunch of whingy gits COMPLETELY IGNORING IT and moaning anyway.... errr I'm turning into one of them so I'll shut up now. Hmm thats a point Bill Hicks... DEAD... Barry Manilow.. STILL ALIVE! oooo Bill wouldn't have liked that :) Cya next time.

How to finish off an album PROPERLY!

How many albums do you have that you listen to from start to finish that finish with an absolute ripper? Albums that leave you gagging for more because the last song was so dam extreme, so good, such a great finale? Well there's alot of classic albums that finish on a high, just consistent from start to finish, leaves you with a song that "rips your face off" as a common metal metaphor goes. I'm thinking of genius albums like Master of puppets by Metallica which finishes off with Damage inc., an absolutely ripping track that just doesn't let off till the final notes ( the only major gripe I have about the song is the 1 + min of dodgy uninteresting violining guitar notes as an intro... hmmm I see a future blog post. ) or A predator's portrait by Soilwork. These albums keep you interested till the very last second and when the album finishes your really up for putting another album on.

Now there are other albums which just end with a down beat calm slow song or even just filler. One band that regularly does this is Fear Factory where they finish absolutely ripping albums like Demanufacture with a song like A therapy for pain. As soon as the guitar starts doing the main riff you just know it isn't going to then start blitzing away like... well... the REST OF DEMANUFACTURE! A therapy for pain just doesn't go anywhere, the main riff pretty much plays throughout most of the song in some form or another which, when you consider it plays for over 6 minutes, just starts to get piss annoying ( Hohoho how clever am I? From Pisschrist to piss annoying!.... ok, not that clever, rather just coincidence. ). The vocals are the worst on the whole of Demanufacture (even though they are completely clean) with the long warbbling notes that feel purposely held back to attempt a creepier atmosphere. When you think the song is over after over 6 minutes (!!!) there is some weird keyboard sound effects going to play out, another few minutes! When A therapy for pain finally ends it clocks at the 9 minute mark. That's 6 minutes odd of funeral paced riff played nearly consistently and then 3 minutes odd of noise. By this time my brain is deactivated, dulled, numbed by this, Half the time I don't even noticed the album has finished because my attention would wander to anything else ( blog writting for example :) or just even day dreaming. You know you've lost people if they start day dreaming! ). I rarely sit and try listening to A therapy for pain because it's just one of those songs I could have mentioned in a past blog post Songs you just wanna skip RIGHT NOW! and with it being at the end of the album it's just far too easy and tempting to press the stop button.

Dragonforce are just plain mad with their hyperactive songs that just plough a way through your mind. All 3 of their albums have a ballad in them for some reason ( I don't know what it is with bands that on every album they do they put one track on it that is completely out of place from the rest of the tracks, usually ballads seems to be the most common type of these songs and Dragonforce are no exception. ). On the first two Dragonforce albums Valley of the damned and Sonic firestorm the ballads are in the middle of the albums but in Inhuman rampage it's at the end of damn album! When I first listened to Inhuman rampage I got through to track 7 The flame of youth (Yep, a rather dodgy song title but a good song) and was thinking Ahhh cool they've stuffed the ballad this time, surely they wouldn't stick one on the end of the album... ) but when track 8 Trail of broken hearts comes on and the piano voiced keyboards come in with the alternating chords and I just stop and think God damn it NOOO!!!. Just why do so many bands need these out of place songs in their albums? From then on I just could not be bother listening to the last track, I didn't bother skipping the ballads on Dragonforce's previous albums but on Inhuman rampage I cannot be bothered listening to the last track.

So my tip to you is DON'T END WITH A FOOKEEN BALLAD (or rather any weaker slow soporific song)! Your song will likely get skipped. Your album would not leave the listener craving more if you loose his attention before the end. If the listener doesn't automatically think OOooo... the album's just ended, better get some more tunes on then you might have failed to leave an impression on the listener. Just end with a brilliant song that doesn't tail off slowly or leave them with anything that leaves them high. Till next time cya later (See? No fannying around finishing this post. Just ends with Cya.).

How to get your song noticed

Ever had a band advertising a new song and it had some stupid title that just put you off bothering to download it? Out of a big list of free songs to download you notice you click on ones which catch your attention? Well with the use of the Internet in today's world more and more often people are finding out about new bands and songs by just seeing a downloadable version. The first thing they notice before clicking on an mp3 ( OGG ) is the band name and the song title and not the album cover like in the past. Put it this way would you download a song called "Sniff my pantyhose"? Whoops, everyone's pressed the back button now. See what I mean? Titles are very important and really should at least be given a second thought before emblazing it on the web.

Well let's see a few examples. In Flames have come back on form with their latest album Come Clarity after the slightly dull Soundtrack to your escape ( see, album titles are also important. Come Clarity? Oooo sounds intriguing, Soundtrack to your escape? ..... errr... ok.... ). WIth a quick scan of the song titles I see Take this life and Reflect the storm are one's that catches my eye and already get me curious as to what they are like. Now look abit further down and you have Your bedtime story is scaring everyone .... just .... what??? For a start it's so long it could be a Bal-Sagoth song ( eg The Dark Liege of Chaos is Unleashed at the Ensorcelled Shrine of A'Zura Kai (The Splendour of a Thousand Swords Gleaming Beneath the Blazon of the Hyperborean Empire Part II), no honest this is a Bal-Sagoth song. ). The fact that it mentions Your bedtime story is just plain off putting. MY bedtime story??? I'm sorry... just no.

Coincidently Take this life and Reflect the storm are actually really good songs while Your bedtime story is scaring everyone is just one of those bullsh*t tracks which aren't proper songs at all. Don't take that sentence to mean all songs can be guesses from their song title. An example is Peepshow by Sikth. Peepshow is probably the only really serious sounding metal song on Sikth's first album The trees are dead & dried out, wait for something wild ( yep, a dodgy album title. ) with the utterly macabre singing prevelant on most of the songs held back for this one as well as the guitars not going mental over the fret board too much. While when you listen to songs like Pussyfoot and Hold my finger they sound as mental as their song title implies while Peepshow just sounds like it's implying another nutty song but the actual song isn't particularly mad.

Now you can forgive bands who's mother's tongue isn't English for coming up with odd song titles but Sikth are British so they don't have an excuse... no wait... yes they do... THE'RE MAD, FRUITY LOOPED, DOLLOP OF MASH, OUT OF THE SPACESHIP.... Not like the guy who made Bloodshed dev C++ for Windows who had got complaints so he explains why he used the name "Bloodshed" ( admittedly slightly tenuously ). I especially like the bit Heavy metal / Hard rock music is not really my cup of tea.. Certainly telling of the general image of Heavy metal. It's like the GNU Image Manipulation Program ( previously known as General Image Manipulation Program. ) or GIMP for short. It you didn't know what the GIMP was and someone sent you a message or email saying go to this website www.gimp.org would YOU dare click it? I suppose on the flip side the amusing acronym does help you remember the GIMP. While I'm on the subject of proper free ( libre and gratis ) open source graphic applications and titles another program I really love is one called Inkscape ( see a webcomic that was done by my friend utilising the unique calligraphy tool present in Inkscape. The bloke without glasses is actually me. Right too much shameless plugging and drifting off subject, back to the fold. ). Inkscape is pretty much the perfect name for a graphics program for the Ink conjures up thoughts of familiarity with drawing while the scape gives you thoughts of a large open canvas with which to fill to you imagination's content. Now Inkscape is a fork ( bit like Warrel Dane and Jeff Loomis left Sanctuary to form Nevermore. You could say that Nevermore is a fork of Sanctuary. ) of a program called Sodipodi... Sodipodi? What sort of name is that? Certainly harder to remember and not as obvious what it is compared to Inkscape. I wonder if the names of the programs were responsible for Sodipodi failing while Inkscape succeeded. It would not surprise me if it was.

To a ( slightly ) lesser degree band names are also important. There is something intriguing about the name Soilwork. It's just a peculiar band name. I went to a gig in Manchester to see ( if I remember rightly ) Arch Enemy wearing a Soilwork long sleeve shirt ( A predator's portrait by the way. The album before Soilwork went downhill. ) with blatantly emblazoned on it Soilwork in huge letters. I was walking down Oxford road and every 2 or 3 people I walked by had a good look at my shirt then, after I walked pass, I'll hear them muttering in a slightly perplexed voice Soilwork?. Copywriters ( yes "Copywriters", not "Copyrighters" ) would sell their liver to get people looking at a title and wondering in fascination just to create titles like that every week. I wonder if Soilwork spent a long time pondering about their name thinking about whether it would get people talking about them, or did the conversation go like this,
Hmmm.... how about Soilwork?
.... sounds odd... but doesn't sound stupid. Balls to it we're "Soilwork"

I admit there isn't one rule for all with song titles. What would attract the attention of one person could be missed by another person. For example Vim by Machine Head on Through the ashes of empire earns brownie points for being named after my favourite text editor Vim :) .



Well OK I doubt the band were thinking of Vim the text editor but I cannot possibly think what Vim could mean. Vim cannot be Roman numerals because what would Vim be? 994 cause of v + i - m or 996 cause of v - m + i or 1004 from m - i + v but none of these are correct Roman numerals. To people who have never heard of Vim the text editor this song title would normally skip past their attention.

I spent a good chunk of time thinking of the title to this blog post. First I was thinking of just calling it Song titles ARE IMPERATIVE then I was thinking of going for You know song titles ARE IMPERATIVE. I was not so sure about the Imperative bit so I thought I would go for the present title How to get your song noticed. Although slightly cheap it looks to have got your attention at least so it can't be all bad. So remember, THINK TWICE about your next song's/album's/band's name. In the Internet which is rather text based your song title gets seen first. More Reflect the storm and less Your bedtime story is scaring everyone.

Any song titles you think give a positive or negative impression on the reader? Just post them in the comment section. I would like to see what the general populace thinks of them. Until next time. Cya.